How
Father’s
Stand
Strong in the Storms of Life
FATHER’S DAY
Scene opens around a dinner table. Seated are an elderly man (GRANDPA), a man in his 40’s (DAD), and a boy around 10-14 years old (HUNTER).
HUNTER: How late is Mom working tonight?
DAD: She
should be home around
GRANDPA: What
happens at
DAD: Peggy
should be home at
HUNTER: I just had an hour of Earth Science and I did it already.
GRANDPA: They only give you one hour of homework? Back in high school we used to get 4 hours every night. Every subject. It made us learn. That’s what school used to be all about – learning. Not sports and play acting and all that other nonsense.
DAD: Dad, you dropped out of high school in your junior year to become a plumber’s apprentice.
GRANDPA: Well of course. I couldn’t stand doing all that homework.
HUNTER: Dad – it’s Yankees/Red Sox tonight. We’re watching it, right?
DAD: (Enthusiastically) Oh yeah.
GRANDPA: I’ll never forget this fellow I worked with on this construction job. Mel was his name. Or Hal? Mel or Hal. This guy would sing opera as we worked. Had a beautiful voice, too. Just beautiful. We were working on a house in Ledyard. Do they teach you about opera in school, Hunter?
HUNTER: Uh, no, Grandpa.
DAD: Dad, why on earth would they be teaching kids about opera? For crying out loud.
GRANDPA: Well it’s beautiful music, that’s why.
HUNTER: Before I forget, we need to give Eddie a ride to school tomorrow morning.
DAD: Is
he the one who lives over on
(Dad notices that Grandpa has fallen asleep. Dad and Hunter eat silently for several moments, watching Grandpa sleep.)
DAD: Hey Dad. Do you need to go to bed? You seem kinda tired.
GRANDPA: I’m not tired. We’re going to watch a ballgame tonight.
DAD: I only ask because you were sleeping.
GRANDPA: I was NOT sleeping. Goodness! All I did was close my eyes for a moment. Is that a crime?
HUNTER: Maybe Grandpa was just blinking very slowly.
DAD: Don’t be fresh. Dad, you were sleeping. Why is it so hard it admit it?
GRANDPA: I just closed my eyes. What’s the big deal? I need to go to the bathroom.
DAD: Do you need help?
GRANDPA: (irritated) No I don’t need help to go to the bathroom! (stands up very slowly and s-l-o-w-l-y starts to walk to the left)
DAD: Dad, the bathroom’s that way.
GRANDPA: Oh. So it is. (reverses direction and slowly moves offstage)
HUNTER: (laughing) What was all that about opera? That was completely random.
DAD: I don’t know. Sometimes when people get older their minds just work…differently.
HUNTER: He called me Charlie yesterday.
DAD: (sighing) I guess you remind him of me.
HUNTER: That’s disturbing. No offense, Dad.
(phone rings. Dad answers it.)
DAD: Dennis? Is something wrong with the software conversion? No, it shouldn’t be doing that. No, you’ll need to shut down the system and re-boot. Do you know how to shut down the server?
GRANDPA: (calling from bathroom) I need HELP in here!!
DAD: Hunter, go see what your Grandfather needs.
HUNTER: Me? I’m not going in there.
DAD: Just do it. I’ll be there in a minute. (Hunter goes offstage) No. No, Dennis. I’m not talking to you. I can’t come in now and do the shutdown. Go to the electrical closet and hit the main power switch. It’s a yellow switch…
HUNTER: Dad! Grandpa says he needs you.
DAD: In a minute! You flip the yellow switch to off and then turn it back on. When the screen comes on it’ll ask you to re-boot the main server. Hit yes and follow the prompts. Well, you’ll have to do it because I can’t come down there right this minute. If you get stuck call Gene. He knows how to do it, too, and he can walk you through the steps. I just don’t have time now. Okay. (hangs up and rushes over to the edge of the stage. Grandpa and Hunter are returning.) What happened? Did you fall?
HUNTER: Dad – he just needed toilet paper.
DAD: For crying out loud! I thought you’d fallen or something. You made it sound like an emergency!
GRANDPA: It was an emergency!
HUNTER: (taking Dad aside) Dad, there was a spare roll on top of the sink.
DAD: (to Grandpa) You can’t scare us like that.
GRANDPA: Well if you just kept toilet paper in the bathrooms…
HUNTER: There was a roll three feet away from you, for crying out loud!
DAD: (to Hunter) Hey, be respectful! Your Grandfather fought in a war.
HUNTER: What does that have to do with anything?
DAD: It matters, okay?! It matters that he raised 3 kids and put them through college on a plumber’s salary. And it matters that he was married to your Grandmother for 46 years. It matters!
HUNTER: Okay, it matters.
GRANDPA: What are you getting all worked up about?
DAD: I don’t know. Are we still eating dinner or are we ready to watch the game?
GRANDPA: Well I was still eating.
HUNTER: Can I be excused?
DAD: No!
(Dad and Hunter sit down. Grandpa sits down very slowly and resumes eating slowly.)
HUNTER: May I please be excused?
DAD: (who had been staring glumly at Grandpa) What? Sure.
GRANDPA: That was yummy. What do you call that dish?
DAD: Shepherd’s pie.
GRANDPA: Aw be serious! That wasn’t no pie.
DAD: Well, that’s what it’s called.
GRANDPA: That Charles is a fine young man. You should be proud of him.
DAD: I am proud, but I think you mean Hunter. I’m Charles.
GRANDPA: That’s what I meant. And he’s smart, too. He’d make a fine plumber. You should think about that.
DAD: Dad, he’s not going to be a plumber. He’s going to go to …. Why don’t we just let him decide? Okay?
GRANDPA: Well certainly. It’s his decision.
DAD: I’ll clear the dishes later. Let’s go watch the ballgame.
GRANDPA: Alright. (slowly gets up) I hope that Carl Yastremski is playing. He’s terrific.
DAD: You never know.
(END)
Father’s Day Sketch
Discussion
The sketch is portraying the tension that can exist
for a father who has an aging parent who needs our help / our love and support
while still raising our kids. Have any
of you experienced that? And could you
tell us about that? What kind of unique
storms does that create for you and how did you handle it (or not handle it) as
a father?
Bob Cooley
When I was in my late
thirties my mother developed Alzheimer’s at a relatively young age--her late
60's. She lived her entire life in
We did have my mom come
stay with us for a while, but it only exacerbated her confusion and
disorientation. My sister really carried
the weight of caring for my mother and, I must say, it was extremely difficult
for her. Although she was committed to
keeping mom at home, ultimately it became necessary to find a place where my
mother could receive 24 hour care. Her
last two years she was curled up in a fetal position with no apparent cognitive
abilities.
It really wasn't fair for
my sister. But at the time, there just
didn't seem to be any other workable solution.
I feel bad about it.
When my father got to the
point where he needed closer care, my sister came to live in
I see this time as a gift
from the Lord and it allowed us to deepen our relationship. Earlier in life we didn't relate well to each
other. I am really, really thankful that
we had that time together. For most of his life, my dad was nominally Catholic
and did not have a personal relationship with God. Several months before his passing, during a
medical crisis, he stepped across the line of faith. I have no doubt at all
that it was the real deal. Praise
God!
Andrew Sharp
At the present time I am
just starting to experience this with my mother. While she has not had as sharp a decline as
the grandfather in the sketch, there are glimpses of it. I am aware that her independence is
deteriorating and this will create challenges for me and my family. There is a disconnect
between her and her grandchildren that is unfortunate. For many years, my mother cared sacrificially
for her mother to a degree that hindered her relationship with her
grandchildren.
I have heard others in our
congregation express frustration and sadness concerning the declining faculties
of a parent and it gets increasingly stressful, especially when dementia or
depression takes hold. I am, many ways,
an impatient person and I feel challenged (for lack of a better word) by God to
honor my mother, to include her in my household activities, and just be patient
with her.
Ken Finn
[need transcript]
The sketch also portrayed the tension that can exist
for a father when he sees his own bad behavior – his own failures – begin to
play out in his kids. Charles admonishes
Hunter to respect his Grandfather “because he fought in a war” yet all along
had been not honoring and respecting his dad in front of his son. How have you experienced similar situations –
where you see your own failures being acted out in your kids? Can you describe the situations? How did you handle it? What have you learned from these experiences?
Bob Cooley
Generally speaking (and,
to be sure, there definitely are exceptions), I believe that the state of
relationships within our families is a very good barometer of our relationship
with God. To put it another way, a healthy relationship with God normally
engenders healthy relationships within a family.
Family is where we are
fully known—warts and all. The close,
extended proximity precludes phony personas—it’s a “no spin zone.” Simply put,
family relationships are a crucible that God has designed to help us in the
process of our own spiritual transformation.
In this context, no, it’s
not easy when we see our own “stuff” at play in our kids. The fact is, however, that’s the way it
works. Most of us are familiar with the
passages in the Old Testament where we are informed that the sins of the
fathers are visited unto the third and fourth generations. In fact, I’ve come to look at it as spiritual
DNA and it’s been helpful to me to understand it that way.
As frustrating as this
reality may be in practical terms, it presents a wonderful opportunity for
spiritual progress on both the parent’s and the kid’s part. It’s an opportunity for authenticity,
honesty, asking for forgiveness and communicating to our children that faith in
Jesus Christ is genuine and can make a difference. It certainly has in our household.
Andrew Sharp
We traveled recently with
my mother, something I knew would be a test of my
patience. As a family, we prayed in
advance for peace and patience during the trip.
It was often a very conscious effort to be patient and tolerant of how
slowly she moved, and ate, and the like.
Nevertheless, there were times when I became irritated, sometimes
sarcastic. I became very conscious of it
and how it was being perceived by my kids.
One small moment during
the trip that I will remember is, at the end of one day, confessing to my son
that I wanted to be more patient with my mother and
that sometimes it was a struggle for me.
My son replied that it was, at times, tough for him, too. That was all there was to the conversation,
but somehow it helped to verbalize it.
Ken Finn
[need transcript]
All three of you have been raising sons and daughters
for a number of years. Can you share with us one or two things that helped you
to stand strong in storms of life as a father?
Bob Cooley
Actually, I’m prompted to
talk about the aspect of my parenting that I most regret, not the things that
enabled success.
Becky and I were
separated for nearly a year in the 7th year of our marriage. In the
wake of that major crisis I wholeheartedly turned to God.
Following that turning
point, however, as I took on the responsibilities associated with providing for
my family and all the business of life, some of my old instincts began to creep
back in. I became less dependent upon
God and more dependent upon myself. I
was living by my own wits and deriving considerable self-esteem from it.
The way this played out
in my parenting is that I tended to rely on my own understanding in providing
family leadership. Yes, it was Christian
principles that I looked to, but it was missing the crucial element of God’s
vital Presence. Thus, in my mind, it hung
on me and the competency of my parenting.
I depended heavily on
structure and discipline to keep my kids safe and I was not beyond using
intimidation to “encourage” compliance.
And while I used anger as a means of control, let me be clear to say
that I never used physical force to impose my will. I know that my kids knew with certainty that
I loved them. But, in retrospect, it
grieves me that they were truly fearful of my anger.
When one of my girls was caught shoplifting at
the mall (with a friend who was also from this church), God revealed to me that
she soon would be transitioning to adulthood and that all my structure and
discipline would be completely inadequate.
Either she was going to voluntarily
embrace her family’s values and faith, or to our eternal pain, she could freely
choose otherwise.
It was then that I connected with the vital
necessity of God’s real Presence in our home.
I also came to see that structure and discipline—both good things—need
to spring from love and grace. Coercion
isn’t very effective in Kingdom terms, nor does it paint a very winsome picture
of Father God.
Fortunately, there was time for God to bring
about real change and to do some deep healing.
My girls will confirm that significant transformation has taken
place. I only wish I was walking in this
from the beginning.
Andrew Sharp
I had the experience of growing up without a
father, and without a father-figure. As
it relates to my own parenting, there are positive and negative aspects to
this. The negative is that I do not have
a good road map to follow – no memory of how my father would have handled a
certain situation. The positive is that
I do not carry around negative baggage of unloving, ungodly parenting that
might be reproduced in my own parenting relationships. I feel that in many ways that not having a
father frees me to be more of myself with my kids. It also means that I need to draw upon God as
a resource rather than what I perceived from my own childhood.
Nevertheless, you cannot be a father in a
vacuum. I have been greatly blessed by
the fathers in this church body. They
have often modeled for me, almost always unintentionally, godly parenting. Perhaps this is why I think it is important
for men in a church to connect enough with other men for this kind of sharing
to occur.
Ken Finn
[need transcript]
Genesis 3:1-7
1 Now the serpent
was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD
God had made. He said to the woman, "Did God really say, 'You must not eat
from any tree in the garden'?"
2 The woman said to
the serpent, "We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, 3 but God did say, 'You
must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you
must not touch it, or you will die.' "
4 "You will
not surely die," the serpent said to the woman. 5 "For God knows that when you eat
of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and
evil."
6 When the woman
saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and
also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some
to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. 7
Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were
naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.
The
Silence of Adam
I would like to thank Bob, Andrew and Ken for sharing with
us this morning – for being vulnerable about some of the storms they have faced
as men. I would like to close this
morning by briefly opening the Word of God together. Our scripture this morning is a familiar one
– taken from Genesis 3 – the temptation of Eve and the fall of
Most of us have some images in our minds about this story. There’s the Garden, the serpent, the tree and the fruit and Eve. And if you are like me, as whole scene plays out in our minds – Adam is nowhere to be found. But our scripture this morning tells a different story. The Word of God indicates that he was there – but that he was silent. Notice in verse 6:
She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it
Early translators missed this – but most modern translations agree that the Hebrew is clearly indicating that Adam was there. So the question isn’t – “Where was Adam?” The question is “Why was he silent?” Why didn’t he speak up and defend his wife against the crafty serpent? Why didn’t he correct Eve when she misquoted God’s word? “God didn’t say that we couldn’t touch the tree – He just told us not to eat from it.” And when she took the fruit – why didn’t he cry out “Don’t”
Men’s Natural Reasons for Silence
This morning in our sketch – we heard some reasons that we remain silent – sometimes our own failures shame us and prevent us from speaking up. But this story happened before sin entered the Garden. So it wasn’t because of any past failures that Adam was silent.
Men – if you haven’t noticed – we tend to be less verbal
than women. Anyone out there ever notice
that? You know how it goes. We come home
from a long day of work. We faced many
frustrations, failures – maybe some success.
Our wives ask us “How was your day?”
And we say “Fine” or what I say: “
Gary Smalley tells of a study where they placed microphones on 4 year olds while they played. If you have boys and girls, it shouldn’t surprise you to know that the study showed that the preponderance of sounds coming from the girls were words and the overwhelming amount of sounds from the boys were noises – “Vrroom” “Bppppppp”
But we don’t need a study to tell us that we are wired different – that we speak less. So partly – Adam’s reason for silence was natural – by nature as men we don’t respond verbally.
“Adam, where are you?” God’s Call to
Father’s
But Adam’s silence got him into trouble – and our silence, men, gets us in trouble to this day. Our silence leads us to be emotionally disconnected from our wives, our children, our neighbors – and even our God. Our silence prevents us from sharing the storms we are going through and from entering into the storms of those most dear to us. Remember how, in the first of this series, Joe Dietrich encouraged us to build community as a means of helping us stand strong in the storms. Speaking / communication is the gateway to relationship and community. And men, we need help in this area.
I don’t believe that God mis-wired us men. Communication, community and intimacy with others doesn’t come easy for us men. I believe that it is part of God’s design. But that is not an excuse for us to be silent in the face of the storms of life / from not communicating during the storms.
Adam wasn’t called to speak his opinion to Eve. He wasn’t called to correct her out of his own judgment. He was called to speak God’s word to her. But he was silent.
And God is calling to us men just as He called to His son Adam. “Adam – where are you.” “I want to speak with you.”
How is God calling us as father’s to stand strong in the storms of life? He’s calling us to come out of our silence and our tendency towards isolation and speak – not from our opinions but from what we have heard from God.
How do we do this / How do we bring
God’s presence into our homes unless we ourselves continually and regularly put
ourselves in His presence. In the midst
of and in spite of our failures, to leave our natural tendencies and then to
boldly bring God’s presence into our families and our worlds – although our
words are few may they be full of God’s power
As we heard from Bob, God’s presence transforms us – but first it breaks us. He un-does us. He humbles us. He heals us. Then He speaks to us so that we can speak His words into the storms that we face as fathers. That’s His invitation. “Adam where are you? I want to talk with you.”
I want to just take a few minutes of silence – and ask God’s Holy Spirit to move among us. Worship team you can come up. In what storms have we been silent? Where have we hidden ourselves from God and from those closest to us? Father, what are you speaking to me today?
Let’s pray